2 Bears, 1 Cave

Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are on separate sides of the country, but still together in our hearts. Tom's about to film a movie and Bert's been running his takes through ChatGPT before he says them out loud, which still doesn't stop LeeAnn and his daughters from destroying him over The Pastor's Wife. Bert explains how Last Comic Standing edited him into the villain, and how much public misrepresentation a person should take before they swing back; Michael Jackson, Shane Gillis, Johnny Depp, Joe Rogan, and Bert's "how many bees until you start swatting" theory. From there, Bert delivers the two greatest analogies of his life, Tom demands the production Bible for Tenet to understand it better, and Bert turns his garage door into a guillotine. They also get into Kyle Forgeard of Nelk Boys running seven marathons in seven days, Bert's daughters hijacking his couples therapy to tell the therapist he only feels emasculated at Lowe's, and Bert's case that Raygun should have won the gold medal and that Jackson Pollock was a shill.

This week, Tom is off somewhere, so Bert Kreischer is joined by the legendary Rob Lowe, back in the Cave to talk about his new movie The Musical, the Sundance comedy with a twist so audacious the big distributors were too scared to buy it, now playing in theaters. Rob breaks down the 18-day shoot, the moment that makes audiences gasp, and why a small theatrical run still beats a mystery streaming "hit." From there, the two get into learning stick on La Cienega, LeeAnn's endless story recaps, Tom Cruise pulling his own tooth for The Outsiders, and Paul Newman's legendary hangs. Bert opens up about his Free Bert season two meltdown and the night he forgot how to yawn, Rob shares what 36 years of sobriety taught him, and they pitch the ultimate Netflix show: 24 Hours with Rob & Bert, starring Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler. Plus: Usher's house tour, Bryson DeChambeau's eagle, and the national anthem bit.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz.